An ache for understanding
Lord Jesus, what a place am I in.
I love the saints, and I say this in truth. I did not meet the Lord amongst the saints with whom I now gather, but I have never felt a deeper bond among any other group with whom I've fellowshipped. This is not because of the doctrine, but rather often in spite of it. It is not because of a perception of greater truth, for I believe that to be deceptive pride. No, rather it is because of the genuineness of the individual pursuers of the truth; it is because, quite simply, I see their love of Christ in them.
Lord Jesus. I have a deep burden. For nearly three years I have met with the saints in the recovery, and I have struggled. Discernment has shown me error - and a war has waged inside of me as, in fear and trembling, I fought to work out what was real; my discernment and understanding or the published works of LSM. There is a lot of richness in the ministry work, but there is a lot of leaven also.... Oh Lord Jesus.
For years I have heard about "The Turmoil", but no one I have met (on either side of the issues that were then and perhaps are still now) have spoken to me one word of detail. When I went to Anaheim, there was some speaking; but it was a bitter and slanderous speaking that was not given for edification or healing but rather in loathing and warning. A decree was issued, and it was to be obeyed. Quarantine - Excommunication by another name, but no less than this.
John Ingalls, I wish I could speak with you, brother. As you did for so many months, even seeing, I stand where I am because I believe the Lord brought me here, and I don't know where else to go; He has made a place for me, and will not let me sit quietly in peace when deceptive words are spoken. I want to stand for the Lord, and I believe I need to speak as I am lead; and perhaps I too will be Excommunicated for it - but only if I have the courage to speak, and Lord - if You would have me speak, then Lord the words must be Yours. I am not a man gifted with prophesy.
Lord, I want to offer a prayer for the dear saints with whom I have been blended. Lord, I love them, and I love You. Lord, give me a clean heart and proper mouth for You. Lord, if I am to speak anything, let it be for their edification. Lord, care for my wife and children. Lord, put a hedge around them. Lord, Lord - I trust You. You are the Way, and where You lead, I will follow.
A brother in Christ, beloved.
Amen
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